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No one has ever taken the time to love me in the way that I need to be loved. No one has ever taken the time to learn and speak my love language. Everyone just says they care, and I’m not disputing whether or not they do, and show it through their own love language. 

I’m hurting inside.


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The ‘Damaged Girl’ Actually Makes The Best Girlfriend

LookCatalog.comDamaged girls are the most sinfully sexy, imperfectly perfect people you’ll ever meet. We aren’t flawless, but who is? At least we admit that we have faults. At least we’re working on ourselves. You couldn’t ask for anything more in a girlfriend. We know what it’s like to be hurt. We’ve dealt with our fair share…

via The ‘Damaged Girl’ Actually Makes The Best Girlfriend — Thought Catalog

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Dear Brother

I’ve been pretending that I am the  victim in this situation and blaming you for sexually abusing me and taking away my innocence and power as a child (at age 6 But I know you were also a child 9 years old)…..When in fact, the truth is I actually enjoyed what we shared and enjoyed serving you and catering to your needs and making you happy. The truth is there’s a part of me that didn’t really feel guilty about what happened. (Though the talk with mom and dad brought on feelings of guilt and shame).

I’ve been pretending that you are a cold and heartless person who doesn’t love or care about me because you don’t want to spend time with me. When in fact, I know that  you care about me and are a very giving, caring, and genuine person with a good heart because you have sacrifice so much for me.  In fact I know that the reason you avoid closeness as a way to block out the feelings of shame and guilt.

When in fact I love you so much and wish we had a more open communication. I wish there was more trust existing between us.  There is so much that I would like us to share together. I’m sorry for interfering in your relationship with your ex girlfriend, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I forgive you and I forgive myself for doing  what we did as children. It was not my fault because I did not know what I was doing. I am a grown woman now and can make a conscious decision.

The impact of this inauthentic way of being and acting is that there is distance between us in our relationship and I don’t get to share or talk with you as much as I’d like to. Another impact of this inauthentic way of being and acting is that …..I tend to attach myself to guys who don’t want me. It has impacted how I relate to men and has colored my view on men and relationships.

The whole time I’ve been being and acting this way, what’s been missing is any sense of honesty, authenticity, or taking responsibility for how my actions has impacted your life and relationships.

The possibility I am creating for myself is the possibility of being open, honest, authentic, and the possibility of creating a closer and healthier relationship with my brother and the possibility of experiencing healing, wholeness, completeness with myself and a developing healthy friendships and (nonsexual) closeness/intimacy with people who will put in time and effort to develop a relationship with me and people who love, appreciate, honor, value and respect me.






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Soul Mates From Another Mother

Have you ever met a man who you thought was your prince charming only to find out you are soul mates from a different mother?

I have grown to appreciate this guy and we compliment each other so well. Actually, I think we are simply the same person just in the body of the opposite sex.

The problem? The guy is insecure and has mommy issues. I only found this out after things got a bit serious (there was some sexuality involved over Skype though we did not go all the way.)

Now I’m retracting my steps and I realize that I actually care about this person but I can only appreciate them as a friend. In the long-run, it would not work out because their dreams and mines are not aligned.

The guy claims I have hurt them and I feel so bad about this. I just wanted to pull away so I wouldn’t hurt them anymore.

They suffer from abandonment issues and people are always walking away from them. This often leaves them feeling like they are not good enough.

I just don’t know what’s the best approach. Things are no longer the same and the friendship is not the same either.

Update: when I tried to break things off with him, he took it personally and deleted me.
Then he added me again. I didn’t respond for awhile. He messaged a few times.

Eventually I got lonely and responded to his request. Then he sent another friend request from a second Facebook account. And messaged me. I responded only because I felt since I was already Facebook friends with him on the first account I might as well. We don’t communicate at all anymore. Now that I’m thinking about it, I realize that this guy is emotionally unstable.

Any advice? So what do you think. Delete or don’t delete??.

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Female Friendships and Friendzoning

Have you ever been friendzoned by a female? What was the situation like? How did you handle it? Were you guys friends before that? If so, how did it affect your friendship from that point forward?

I’ll start by saying that although I’ve had a few females who pursued me or were interested in me in the past, I’ve never actively pursued any females.

I recently met this girl and personality wise, we connected really well. We are very flirty with each other in our conversations. I felt a connection and thought she might be interested too, so I decided to casually throw in a few innuendos in our text messages to see how she would respond. But by her response I knew she wasn’t. It wasn’t awkward or anything but for me I felt I had shut off emotionally and wasn’t as comfortable being so flirty in our conversations anymore. We still talk and hangout sometimes.

Yesterday she had to make a few errands, so I offered to drive her since she didn’t have a car. I had fun. We went window shopping and she also paid for food afterwards. I don’t think anything has changed on her end. She also said I can come over and she can do my nails whenever.

For her I think she is just naturally flirty with everyone. But for me, When I really like someone or am naturally drawn to them personality wise or attraction wise, I tend to be very goofy, playful, and/or flirty.

Should I just squash the whole emotion thing and stick with just being friends? Or should I cut the cord, distance the friendship and move on?.

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The Road to Recovery: Self-Healing

I am learning a lot about myself and discovering what I truly want in life and I am realizing that no man can make my dreams come true. If it’s to happen I have to find a way to make it happen. I realize that I have to take my life seriously and make the things that matter to me a priority. I don’t know the value of what I have yet, but when I do, I’m going to be lethal

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He’s Gone

So ever since master has left, my journey has taken a different turn. I have gone from very a open sexual girl who is willing to explore any and everything, to being on shut down mode. The word celibacy has now become of interest to me.

I suppose it might be due to the fact that I felt protected under the care of master. But now that he is no longer here to direct my every move, I feel less willing to take those risks that I took before. Master would give me permission as to which activities I was allowed to partake or not partake in. I guess you could say he protected me from myself.

Though I’m not sure how committed I am to  celibacy nor do I know how long I will remain so, I am definitely exploring that idea at the moment.

I will continue to share as I learn more.

As Lynn from Girlfriends show puts it. “I’m celibate because I don’t want to keep just giving that part of myself to anyone. I want to save that special part of myself for a soulmate.”

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